ugggghhhhhh.....

Well here it is 5:22 a.m. Yes you read the time right, 5:22 a.m.!!!! And I can't sleep. I went to bed around 10 p.m. tossed and turned and finally fell asleep around 1 a.m. Woke up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom, went back to bed, tossed and turned....About 4 a.m. I heard something on the back porch....Great Ariel put a bag of garbage on the porch yesterday, bet the animals have gotten into it.... Sure enough {sigh}. I turned on the porch and watched and a mama coon and her 4 kittens dug around and ate from my trash...at least someone will eat the leftovers. Now Ariel will be really pissed at me later this morning when I tell her that she has the fun job of picking up all of the garbage on the back porch and taking it to the trailer. The trailer has an electrical charge on it at night just so that the animals can't get to the garbage, cuz if they do it will be a shocking experience :) This is one of the joys of living in a rural area....no garbage pick-up. Well let me restate that... you can get garbage pick one of several ways: 1. Pay an unreal amount each month to have the garbage collection co. to come and pick it up. 2. Leave it out for the bear to take up on the hillside and drag it all over the place for you to have to pick up and then go looking for the garbage can, only to find it full of teeth marks and claw marks where the bear had to hold on to it to get it back up on the hill. 3. Leave it on the back porch and get woken up at 4 in the morning to noises outside only to find a mama coon and her four kittens sifting through it. One consolation about the coons is that they usually leave the garbage in the same general vicinity, unlike the bear who likes to see you get your excercise by trapsing all over the place picking up after him, typical man..... or 4. Get a trailer, put the garbage on the trailer and put an electrical charge on the trailer :) then once a week hook up the trailer and take 5 miles up the road to the garbage dump.

Now on to other things....here are some of my random thoughts this morning that I think don't even make any real sense at all, but at least I wrote them down...

You know I have really been doing some thinking yesterday and this morning....About life....I am really tired of trying to change the things or people who can't be changed. So I am going to stop. I don't need the aggravation of me getting upset because things aren't the way that I think that they should be. Some people understand what I go through, some people don't because they haven't been through what I have {very long story there}. So they say that I take things the wrong way...My question...How can you take things the wrong way if that is the way that it has always been? I mean if you are used to things happening a certain way then how can you take them wrong or read into them the wrong way? I don't even know if I am making any sense. But anyway, sitting here this morning made me realize something...I need to stop thinking that everything or everyone is out to get me or out to do me wrong. By doing this I am acting just like my mother and that is something that I swore I would never do. I don't want to feel sorry for myself and think only of poor pitiful me. I have to break this cycle too. I had to break alot of cycles to where I wouldn't be like my mom and put my kids through what she put me through. I broke the others and I can break this one too. I just have to know and have faith in the fact, that the one who I feel hates me will come around one day and say, "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing or how I made you feel. I realize that now, because my child is doing the same thing to me." You know I always thought that I was a good kid....I didn't get in any real trouble when I was growing up. I respected my elders and minded my manners. But apparently my Mom didn't see it that way because she always told me that one day I would have a child that treated me like I treated her. Well I guess she was right, you read that right. I said that she was right, well in some sort of way anyway. I have one that doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. Tells me what I want to hear, just to make me happy and then does something totally opposite. Then I have one that doesn't get in any trouble, is sweet, lovable, caring and tells me "Mom don't worry, don't cry....I won't treat that way when I get married and have children, I will always want to visit with you and let you see and know your grandchildren. I won't say things just to make you happy and then do the totally opposite, because Mom that is just wrong". My other one tells me the same thing.... So maybe they are seeing things in the way that I see them and I am not totally crazy....hmmmm...... They don't like seeing me this way, so they are not going to see me like this anymore. Once again in my life it is time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and say to hell with what people think. Who cares if they think that I am a bitch. I am now going to start saying what I feel and if it comes out wrong then I will apologize for the way that it came out, but not for what I said. (I am not a very tactful person when I need to say what is on my mind).

So there it is a new day and things are going to change. It has been said and now I have to do it. No more poor pitiful me.